Getting children to do even the smallest, most routine things is the hardest work. Every. Day.
Before kids:Wake up to your alarm at 7am, snooze, wake up again. Get up, go pee and end up sitting there a few minutes day dreaming, go downstairs, have breakfast and coffee while watching the news. Go upstairs, shower and wash hair taking care to shave and moisturise afterwards, dress, do face and hair, trying out a new style. Pick up your handbag from the hallway on your way out. Jump straight in the car and go.
With kids:Wake up to someone saying they have had an accident at 2am. Strip the bed, clean them up and redress them and the bed while trying not to open your eyes too much, make too much noise and keep your patience. Go back to bed, wake up again at 6am to youngest child inches away from your face asking if it's morning yet. Pass the kid your phone to play on. Try to sleep for a while longer while Caillou plays at full volume in the background. Decide to get up at 6.30am.
Child asks if you're going to get in the shower and promptly wails when you say yes. Get in the shower and do a quick wash of the important bits. There's a weeks growth on your legs, but you can wear trousers so it's fine. You judge that you MIGHT be able to have a longer shower tomorrow. You already decided that the kids were too tetchy to allow for hair washing - what's dry shampoo for anyway?! Get out of the shower to dry yourself and on the way past childs room see that they have taken all of their toys out of the toybox and piled them up on the surface of every object in their bedroom. Oh well, they were quiet. Go into other childs room and tell them it's time to get up.
Laugh a little too insanely when they tell you they're "too tired".
Take out both childs clothes for the day and put them next to the stairs to take down with you. Get dressed. Do make up, but only enough to not look like you might have been up at 2am changing piss covered bedding - no time for foundation or anything that requires more thought than the usual eyeshadow colour. Spray on a layer of dry shampoo and scrape hair into a ponytail for the third day running. Go back to children to find the youngest laughing and clothes no where to be seen. Tell child, "I'm not going to get cross, find your clothes!" Child laughs. Immediately get cross. Get out a new set of clothes.
Both children are now at the top of the stairs pushing each other around because they both want to be first to go downstairs. Tell them it doesn't matter. Eldest stamps foot and shouts that it DOES in fact matter as youngest was first yesterday, so it's not his turn. Spend a minute organising a "first down the stairs rota" as the first plan of "going down side by side" was unacceptable to youngest and when you think about it probably dangerous given the current friction.
Go straight into the kitchen and ask children what cereal they want for breakfast. Youngest asks if he can have toast and wails when he's told he can't because he'll be having sandwiches later. Shout for eldest to come and choose. Youngest decides on two different types of cereal in the same bowl. Shout for eldest to come and decide. She's not coming, so go back to find her sat on the stairs doing nothing. Take a few deep breaths. Ask eldest to come and choose. Eldest makes a face. Tell eldest that if they
don't come and choose now they get no breakfast at all. Go back in the kitchen. Find youngest has pulled a stool up to the counter and eaten half his cereal dry. Give both kids their cereal. Make own breakfast and coffee and sit down. Child yells as you've forgotten their drink. Make drinks, go sit back down. Finish breakfast and go back into kitchen to find kids have finished their cereal. There is milk all over the table, the floor and the kids. Feel glad they're not dressed for the day yet.
Take children into the living room and put on kids TV. Go fetch toothbrushing equipment. Eldest sits nicely and brushes her teeth, but you have to finish as she won't brush her tongue and doesn't do the job right herself try as she might. Shout the youngest that it's his turn and hear "Don't wanna!" Threaten with putting down a colour if he doesn't come. Start counting to three. Get to two before he runs over. Brush his teeth for him while he squeaks a protest and refuses to open his mouth at times.
Eldest is getting dressed! Congratulate her on being a big girl - offer assistance with buttons. Youngest is nowhere to be seen. Shout that it's time to get dressed and hear "Don't wanna!" Start counting to three. Youngest runs over and demands a cuddle first. Give cuddle. Start dressing him, prompting each time a limb needs to be somewhere and all the while reminding the child that they do in fact need to be getting dressed rather than trying to play with / reach for / kick something else.
Shout eldest over to have her hair done. Brush hair as carefully as gently as you can while eldest cries, kicks and screams like she is being murdered. Negotiate hair style for the day, settle on a plait as it will be easier to brush tomorrow.
Go into the kitchen to find a water bottle for school. Track down reading books and glasses, place glasses on eldests face, put books in bookbag. Locate PE kit with last week's mucky stuff in there. Take old stuff out, run upstairs to replace with fresh stuff. Find both pairs of shoes and ask children to put them on. Youngest doesn't want to wear THOSE shoes. Find other shoes. Eldest has her shoes on the wrong feet, advise her and marvel at how she gets it wrong 100% of the time. Youngest won't even try to put shoes on his self. Just do it because time is short.
Kids put on their own coats. Where's my coat? Where are my shoes? Not even thought about which shoes match what i'm wearing. Find the black ones, put them on. Put coat on.
Yell for kids to come to the door as we're leaving and we're late. Youngest yells he's having a poo. Sit on stairs for a moment. Go wipe youngest's bum and tell him to wash hands while you get eldest in the car. Put eldest in the car and come back in to find youngest naked. You suspect he's not washed his hands.
I think you get the idea....