After reading my last two posts you might wonder why we chose to go back to the same hospital to deliver our "take home babies". The truth is that we discussed our options and made a decision based mostly on cold, hard logic. I thought about paying for a private delivery, but it was way outside of our budget. Of course, if you're putting a £15 - 20,000 price tag on a healthy baby there's no question, but paying for private care doesn't guarantee a happy outcome. Nothing does.
Everyone knows you can't buy a healthy baby. We were perfectly aware that just because the universe had shit on us from a great height twice before, that didn't award us any protection from it happening again. The things we survived were statistically unlikely. But they were just as likely to happen to us again. We actually found solace in statistics. After all, if 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in loss then that means 3 in 4 are successful!
With regards to choosing the same hospital, pragmatism won out. The other options were too far to travel and they didn't know our story there. With loosing two babies I had gained the benefit of extraordinarily careful treatment. They were taking no chances! This gave us confidence.
We also had gained confidence in OUR ability to stand up for ourselves - to ask questions and insist on investigations if we felt we needed them. The hospital were great and let us know that we could go down and i'd be put on the monitor whenever I liked, for no reason at all other then reassurance. I was also given additional scans, which we also supplemented with private scans by the wonderful Chris Griffin and his team at MUMS in Solihull .
My last two posts came from a place of bitterness. They were written after the initial intensity of feelings has given way, and after having time to ponder each event over the years. The dust has settled and allowed me to pick apart my experience to be able to view the collection of mistakes with clarity. Back then I was more interested in trying to keep my sanity, struggling to keep myself together and just generally getting from one day to the next.
I spoke of the brushing off very infrequently with my husband, and we certainly never allowed ourselves to become overtly angry. We both agreed that pointing fingers and trying to lay blame was futile and could only lead to more upset and pain at a time when all we wanted was to try to heal.
There were many amazing times during my care with Ada, Lyric and Korben and it would be unfair to read my last two blog posts and understand them as the be all and end of of my care.
The midwives at my routine appointments were incredibly sympathetic during my appointments with Ada. When I went in to see my midwife and she couldn't find Ada's heartbeat, she tried and tried for what felt like an age even though she knew she was making her subsequent appointments run late. The kind, sweet lady even came through to the hospital after her shift and waited to see me when I came round after the anaesthetic to make sure I was okay.
I already mentioned the doctor who delivered Ada without needing to do a vertical incision.
All of the nurses who fed my husband and allowed him to stay when we couldn't bear to be apart.
The ultrasound technicians who took extra time to show me my placenta with Lyric and did every check painfully slowly and carefully so that I could feel reassured. They often gave me more photos than they were probably allowed to and never charged us.
My amazing consultant who looked after me when I was diagnosed as having borderline gestational diabetes. She was a perfect combination of professionalism, empathy and straight down the line honesty and I really appreciated her.
When I had delivered Lyric she was a little bit "grunty" in her breathing, so she was taken to the special care baby unit. As much as it pained me to be separated from her and it reminded me of being there with her brother in so many ways, I really appreciated that they were taking no chances and she was back with me by tea time.
I am sure there were others who I haven't mentioned that helped to make pregnancy after a loss so much easier to bear.
So you see, considering that it started as a decision based more on being "better the devil you know." It ended up being worth it for many other reasons too. Nothing is ever black and white.